How much of an age gap comes between lovers?

Key takeaways:

• The ideal age gap for most couples is up to six years, with women preferring an older man and men preferring a woman the same age or older
• Couples with an age gap of more than ten years may face challenges such as different standards of living, different life stages, social acceptance, and sexual compatibility
• Long-term relationships with an age difference of more than ten years may be difficult to sustain due to the differences in values, interests, and life stages.

It’s always said that love knows no boundaries and that includes age. But is it really irrelevant what the age difference is or does it become critical at some point? Different generations have different values and conflicts are inevitable – or are they?

Are there complexes behind this, father and mother complexes, or is there something that men and women try to compensate for by having relationships with older/younger partners?

After all, it seems to be almost fashionable today to hook up with a partner where the age difference amounts to a teenage lifespan. While men are considered pioneers when it comes to relationships with much younger women, the ladies are also following suit. When it comes to a high age difference, Heidi Klum and Tom Kaulitz probably pops into most people's heads. The two are separated by 17 years and yet they seem to have a harmonious relationship. Before that, Ms. Klum had a partner who was thirteen younger and that relationship quickly fell apart.

So what are the rules?

Is a higher age difference maybe okay or are there exceptions to this? A study by Emory University in Atlanta intended to get to the bottom of this question and surveyed 3,000 couples, including many with a higher age gap. The result showed that most of the respondents, however, preferred a small age difference. The reason for this was the desire to live a long and happy life together.

And yet, we see more and more relationships where the age difference is well over ten years. But what age do older women find attractive, and the other way around?

While we’re still young, we’ll try to get to the bottom of these and other questions.

• What age do women prefer in men?
• What age do men prefer in women?
• When is the age difference considered a problem?
• The challenges for couples with a big age difference

Do you perhaps have a weakness for a certain age group and wonder if you’re the only one? Then let's take a look at it in more detail!

What age do women prefer in men?

Do women like their partners to be the same age or can they be younger or even older?

To answer this question, we took a look at a survey conducted the dating group that runs eHarmony. For this purpose, the renowned dating platform asked 1,000 members what they think about age differences.

You might assume that same-age partners were the most commonly sought after. But the result clearly shows that women find it better when the man is a few years older. An age difference of up to six years was considered appropriate. However, only very few women could imagine a difference of ten or more years.

However, this is only 1,000 singles , which may not be seen as absolutely representative. After all, the constellation of older woman and young man is no longer a rarity nowadays, and relationships in which the man is almost twice as old as the woman have been around for quite some time.

So while studies show that young women want an older man, more mature women are attracted to the younger generation of men.

What could be the reason for this?

Older men seem more mature and down-to-earth to women and are usually financially secure. They’re no longer full of it, have sown most of their wild oats, and their sex drive and hunting instincts are slowly subsiding.

Women over 40, on the other hand, experience the peak of their sexuality. Many have a long relationship behind them and want to start life anew and enjoy it. While they blossom once again at their age, men of the same age are rather less energetic about sex. Young men, on the other hand, are active and also in the prime of their sexual lives.

And what about men?

What age do men prefer with women?

Two sides of the same coin. The older men get, the more they like younger women. Young men, on the other hand, like women of the same age or older, which can also be deduced from the eHarmony study. Here, almost half of the men surveyed stated that the partner can be older and the other half said they have nothing against a significantly younger partner. The age range of the respondents was between 18 and 55 years.

Possible reasons for these answers

Younger men see more mature women as sexually attractive. The fact that they are finished with family planning and simply want to enjoy their lives certainly plays a role here.

However, older men prefer to have a much younger partner. Who wouldn’t want to feel like a young whippersnapper with a pretty 20-year-old? For these men, success with a younger woman is a real ego boost and an occasion to feel younger again themselves.

But.

When is the age difference considered a problem?

So the age difference is not a problem at all for many in a relationship. But are these just platitudes? What do people really think?

After all, a big age difference means two completely different generations with different values and norms. At what point does it become critical and at what age difference can problems arise that become disruptive? Apart from the fact that our society still considers a large age difference to be inappropriate, the main issue here is at what point problems can arise within the relationship.

In our research, we repeatedly came across a seemingly magic number of ten years. The results of a survey by the German Federal Statistical Office also show that problems could arise in the long term from an age difference of more than ten years.

One explanation for this is provided by Silvia Fauck, who as a relationship coach in Berlin repeatedly confronted with this phenomenon.

The reason for this magic number lies in the long-term nature of a partnership. Of course, couples with an age gap of around 20 years can also be happy for a while. But only for a time, for if the woman or the man is in their forties, their partner is in their sixties. There’s no longer any question of great joint activities or an active sex life.

However, with an age difference of up to ten years, aging together is certainly possible.

The challenges for couples with a large age difference

Okay, ten years seems like the magic number, but what are the challenges couples with a large age gap face? We don't mean short-lived affairs where the focus is on having fun together. So where can hurdles arise in the long run?

Different standards of living

As soon as the first rush of love is over and the rose-colored glasses lose their blush, reality sets in. And in this reality, different living standards and attitudes are like a slap in the face when there's a big age difference.

While one member of the couple has already climbed the career ladder, the other is still completely at the beginning. This can quickly lead to a certain power imbalance and associated conflicts within the relationship.

The younger partner suddenly wants children

When you're 20, you're desperate to have children; when you're in your mid-20s, your career takes center stage; and when you're in your early 30s, the desire to have children is suddenly present again. Especially when you consider a young man with an older partner, these changes of heart offer a lot of potential for conflict and can be very hurtful.

The social environment

Can a significantly younger or older partner really be integrated into the other partner’s social environment? Often there are completely different values between generations, also reflected in the circle of friends. It’s no easy task to make friends with the other person's circle and to be accepted by them.

Sex life

An intact sex life is part of a functioning relationship. Especially men in older age, depending on their lifestyle, struggle with their libido and stamina. But even women who have a much younger partner can be overwhelmed by his needs.

Shared experiences

While partners with a smaller age difference can still have shared experiences, a large age difference is a different story. What represents a milestone in life for one person is nothing special for his or her partner because they reached that point ten years ago. Here, too, conflicts can quickly arise and cause heated discussions.

In conclusion

Okay, age difference is all well and good - but apparently only in moderation. While the world of celebrities seems to be full of relationships between different generations, normal people are more into a limited difference. Especially in the case of a long-term partnership, ten years is the maximum that comes into question for most.

Anything longer than that carries too high a risk of conflict in the long run. Interests are too different, attitudes to life can lead to drifting apart, and last but not least, things like sex and the partner's inclusion in a social circle play a role. After all, you want to have something from the person you love for as long as possible and enjoy every moment to the fullest – even in the bedroom.