Open relationship - everything you need to know
Relationship status: Taken - but with the free pass to have fun in other beds. Even 20th century satirist Ephraim Kishon said, "Man was not made for monogamy."
And apparently the good man was right, because the open relationship model is becoming increasingly popular. At the same time, the open partnership is not to be confused with polyamory. In the case, people lead several partnerships in parallel - the open relationship is only about letting off steam sexually outside the partnership with permission.
But to know the exact difference, we need to clarify some questions....
- What is an open relationship?
- Why have an open relationship?
- How can I have an open relationship?
- How can I bring up an open relationship?
- What to do if you are into two women / men?
- How many people want an open relationship in the first place?
- How do I keep an open relationship / polyamory successful?
- What app is good for an open relationship?
1. What is an open relationship anyway?
At first, an open relationship apparently runs like a normal partnership. There is only one small, but crucial exception: you agree to have sex with other people. The partners thus give each other permission to live out their sexual fantasies outside their own four walls with outsiders. What was even considered a criminal offense in some countries in the 1970s is now a modern form of partnership.
Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses while polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, romantic relationships with more than one partner at the same time, with the informed consent of all partners. That is, a person has several sex partners at the same time - but leads a romantic relationship or even a marriage with one of these people. And this is exactly the crucial point in an open relationship: Romantic feelings and an emotional bond remain a matter of togetherness. Outside of the partnership, it is only about the physical level.
2. Why have an open relationship?
There are different reasons to have an open relationship. First of all, it is necessary to take a look at whether it is an open relationship from the beginning or if the relationship was monogamous at first.
Couples who have been in a monogamous relationship for years repeatedly give the same reasons. According to couple therapists, these are sexual dissatisfaction, physical distance, or the desire to try new things. However, the love does not die out and the feelings for the partner are so strong that the relationship is not supposed to end. Before it comes to his fling behind the partner's back, unfulfilled desires and longings arise. So, you could talk about a kind of "relationship saver" in order not to put the partnership at risk because of sexual needs.
And in fresh relationships?
It can also happen that a partnership is not monogamous from the beginning. According to a U.S. study by YouGov, an opinion research institute, half of the U30 respondents stated that a monogamous relationship was no longer a priority. Rather, an open relationship is established at the very beginning.
Accordingly, an open relationship is primarily about living out one's sexual fantasies and satisfying physical needs.
This point also leads us directly to the next question...
3. How can I have an open relationship?
Now that we know that an open relationship is about a purely physical and sexual desire, the question is how the whole thing works. Simply dare to have a fling and then tell your partner about it? Or does the clarifying conversation come first and then the pleasure?
An open relationship requires one thing above all: clear and blunt communication. Cheating on your partner is not part of an open relationship and is simply cheating. Before it comes to an outing, the clarifying conversation must take place. This relationship model can only work if it takes place with mutual consent. Both partners have the same rights in this regard - if one of the parties does not agree, the project is doomed to failure immediately.
If you go crazy just thinking about your partner having fun elsewhere, you should refrain from opening this relationship. Jealousy should not be an issue, within the open relationship both partners must feel comfortable.
4. How can I bring up an open relationship?
The basis for opening the relationship is a strong emotional bond. The couple must have a trusting and communicative relationship and must not already be burdened by trust problems.
Anyone thinking about approaching their partner about an open relationship should ask themselves a few questions in advance. Wanting to open up the partnership does not come by chance and it is triggered by a reason. Here it is important to get on the track of this reason.
Where is the attraction?
The justification of simply being curious is rather weak. In advance, the person should think carefully about why he or she wants to try out this relationship model. Are there particular preferences that are neglected within the relationship? Is it perhaps a lack of sexual interest on the part of the other person? Only those who can give reasons will not be able to talon their counterparts.
How should the open relationship work?
Simply open up the relationship and then be able to take the chance for erotic adventures every day? Or perhaps only give mutual consent at certain intervals for a weekend? Here it is important to find a compromise and also to respond to the wishes of the other person.
Set rules!
Anyone who is thinking about proposing an open relationship should definitely establish rules. Here it might be conceivable to agree that it may only be one-time adventures with one person. Are contacts from the immediate environment allowed? One of the most important rules is probably that the erotic adventures always take place outside of your own four walls.
So, it is important to deal with the topic of open relationship yourself in advance. If there are no more feelings, for example, it is not a solution to try to save the relationship through this. A well-established relationship, in which purely physical desire is at stake, is the basis.
If it is a matter of expressing the desire, it requires a lot of tact. The conversation should take place during a calm period of time and not within an argument. Communicating sexual desires openly is part of a functioning partnership. If the desire has been expressed, the partner should not be harassed. After all, you have just told the person you love that you want to have fun elsewhere and be in bed together again in the evening. It is important to give them the opportunity to digest the news.
5. What to do if you are into two women / men?
But what if the relationship has been opened and suddenly feelings appear. Feelings for a person with whom only an erotic experience was planned and who you can't get out of your head?
This is the worst-case scenario when a partnership has been opened. The plan: to let off steam sexually with mutual permission, while the romance takes place at home in togetherness. The result: Suddenly, one of the two people can also imagine these romantic moments with one of the "sex partners".Â
At this moment, all alarm bells should ring and the emergency brake should be pulled. As already mentioned, an open relationship can only be conducted with communication. So, it is important to tell your partner about your other feelings and to reflect on them yourself. Is the partnership perhaps not so fulfilling after all? The crucial question here is whether the relationship still makes any sense at all if feelings for another person are present.
6 How many people want an open relationship in the first place?
Is it even possible to make a clear statement about how many people consider an open relationship?
In fact, there are various studies on the subject and they speak in favor of fidelity and togetherness. A dating Think Tank surveyed 10,000 couples who had been in a relationship for more than a year. It turned out that 97 percent of those surveyed are in favor of monogamy.
eHarmony also launched a survey and wanted to know how many people had already had experience with an open relationship. Only six percent of men and women stated that they had already had this relationship model.
Thus, the majority of people apparently still prefer the classic partnership, which is not opened to others.
7. How do I keep an open relationship / polyamory going?
For an open relationship to really work, the relationship must not only be harmonious. It is especially important to define clear rules in advance. Even more, both must agree to open the relationship. If only the man or the woman lets off steam and the other sits comfortably at home, the open relationship is doomed to failure.
The most important thing is clear and transparent communication. Agreeing on an open partnership and then not saying another word about it is not conducive. Anyone who gets involved in this relationship model knows that sex takes place with others. But how much of it should be told?
Do people want to know when and how it happened and then talk about their sexual adventures? When it comes to sexual encounters, things should definitely only be done in a protected manner and fundamentally other rules should be set up.
This also includes establishing off-limits people. Perhaps it should not necessarily be people whom you have contact with in everyday life. Here it could be part of the agreement that work colleagues or people from the circle of acquaintances are absolute no-go. Is there an agreement that the search for potential playmates will take place exclusively via a specific website or app?
For the open relationship to succeed, framework conditions must be set and rules established. Regular conversations are also part of this and should be used to find out whether the partnership still has its original value in the process.
8. Which app is good for an open relationship?
Finally, there is the question of where people in an open relationship can find their sex partners. One of the best-known providers in the field of casual dating is C-Date. Another very popular one is for instance BeNaughty.
On both C-date and BeNaughty, no one is looking for a committed relationship, but for a one-night stand or an affair. The members are singles as well as men and women who are in a relationship. Discretion and anonymity play an important role and allow users to quickly find one-night stands.
Based on a short test, suggestions are made for contacts who have the same sexual interests and preferences. So, if you can't live out your preferences in your partnership, you should be able to find like-minded people quickly.
In summary
Who plays with the thought of an open relationship, should consider beforehand exactly which motives there are. If the relationship is fundamentally full of cracks and also emotionally unfulfilling, the path of opening it up is probably not advisable.
The basis is a functioning and communicative relationship that is only about sexual needs. It is important that the clarifying conversation takes place first and that there has not been a fling beforehand. Without rules there is quickly the danger that the intention goes wrong. Among other things, these include determining which people are off-limits and in what context the partnership will be opened. Both must feel comfortable with the relationship model and this includes regular communication.