Embarking on online dating after a breakup?
The end of a relationship is usually a scary experience - at least for the person who was left. There are not always clear signs that the relationship is about to fall apart, and before you know it, the single world takes you back. A situation through which many fall into a deep hole. Agonizing questions like "What did I do wrong?" become a constant companion. Many newly single people spend the first few days holed up in their apartments, listening to soppy songs and demonizing love.
Can online dating help them out of this hole after a breakup and give them new courage to face life again?
In this article we will deal with this delicate question and also consider its advantages and disadvantages. Does it make sense to get back on the horse as soon as possible and conquer the singles market? Or is it more advisable to take your time and deal with the essential things in life -like yourself? To delve into the matter, we will address three questions on the topic: Does online dating make sense after a breakup?
- When should you start dating again after a breakup?
- Why can online dating be good after a breakup?
- Why can online dating not be so good after a breakup?
Based on these questions, we'll try to find out what the advantages and disadvantages of quickly jumping back into the dating market are. In addition, the important question of when is the right time at all to consider online dating again - or is there perhaps no such time at all?
1. When should you start dating again after a breakup?
Probably the most important question: when is the right time to start online dating after a breakup?
For some fresh singles, it seems like online dating is the only right way to get over a breakup. No sooner have they been dumped than they sign up on dating sites. Generally, this is just a way of distracting themselves. After all, anyone who has had a solid partnership with real feelings can't get back on the saddle overnight. Unless the person had already ended the relationship internally a long time ago and was just waiting for the official end.
But what period of time is considered normal to get back on your feet after a breakup? Honestly, there is no universal time frame after which singles are ready to get back together. While some grieve for a few weeks, other singles need months to digest the breakup.
Psychologists speak of four phases after a breakup....
Psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Doris Wagner divides the period after a breakup into four distinct phases. Let's take a brief look at these four stages after the end of a relationship.
Phase 1: Denial
The first phase occurs immediately after the breakup. By this, she means the time when singles do not want to acknowledge that the relationship fell apart. While the mind realizes that the relationship is over, the heart does not want to comprehend it. A small inner conflict arises, which can drain a lot of strength.
What can help with this? Trying to put away memories of the time you spent together from everyday life. It is recommended, among other things, to store shared pictures and other mementos in a box. Starting online dating right after a breakup is not advisable and could only worsen the situation.
Phase 2: Being overwhelmed by feelings
After denial comes the time when the heart also realizes the breakup. This means that in the second of the four phases it gets emotionally involved. This refers to the time after a breakup when singles are constantly brooding, racking their brains and even suffering from lack of sleep. During this period, the emotional stress also affects the physical condition. Permanent fatigue, loss of appetite and listlessness are signs of this phase.
The solution: Don't get so far down the road, but deal with the issue in a targeted manner. Singles should specifically deal with the separation.
Phase 3: Take new courage
According to Dr. Wolf, it can actually take up to a year to reach the third phase. During this period, thoughts of the love that has passed may still occur from time to time. However, much more thoughtfully and distantly. However, if after this period you are still wondering why the whole thing collapsed and blaming yourself, you are not yet ready for the next and final phase of this process.
Phase 4: The new beginning
The last phase after a breakup and the moment when singles are done with the past. Self-confidence rises again and the agonizing questions about why, gradually disappear. When this point has been reached, online dating after a breakup is an option to fall in love again.
But: According to the psychologist, it can actually take two to four years to reach the final and liberating phase after a breakup. However, this period is not set in stone and depends on how much time singles spend in the previous phases. Those who are struggling emotionally will particularly struggle with the first two phases.
Interim conclusion: is there a perfect time to opt for online dating after a breakup? Probably not, because how hard the end of a relationship hits you always depends on how long it lasted and how someone is wired.
Basically, there is a difference between men and women. For men tend not to deal with the feelings and immediately distract themselves. Women, on the other hand, tend to seek help from their circle of friends. As a result, they are often quicker to get back on track with dating.
The prerequisite here is that we are talking about using online dating to find a relationship. Online dating after a breakup, however, is for many just a method of distracting themselves or getting reassurance.
The ideal time to take a look at when online dating is good after a breakup and when it may not necessarily be the way to go.
2. Why can online dating be good after a breakup?
We hear from other camps that online dating is good after a breakup and is a downright must. But what positive effects can swiping and matching on Tinder, for example, have on the mind? Balm for the soul or just a drop in the bucket?
There are newly single people who hardly let a week go by before they sign up on a dating app. No sooner have the pictures been taken down from the wall than the profile design is in full swing. But what's behind it and what intentions do such men and women pursue? After all, nobody who has really loved before or even still has feelings is ready for something new after such a short time.
When breaking up, there is always one person who appears to be the winner - the person who ended the relationship. And on the other hand, there is the person who was presented with a fait accompli and is now drowning in self-doubt. Moments in which no one likes to find themselves and which can be the beginning of a vicious spiral.
That's why online dating can be good after a breakup....
Before self-doubt eats you up, such singles quickly look for confirmation and recognition. Especially if the breakup involved simply being replaced, this scratches our ego tremendously. We no longer feel "desirable" and have the feeling of having been a replaceable variable on the ex-partner's path to happiness. What helps more than being contacted by other singles and receiving compliments? That's exactly what makes up for the lack of self-confidence - and shows us that we are in demand.
Another positive aspect that speaks to the fact that online dating can be good after a breakup: There's a chance to meet new people, exchange ideas and perhaps learn something. However, it is important to note that it is primarily about distraction and confirmation. So it makes perfect sense to sign up for online dating after a breakup - but you should be honest with yourself and others.
3. Why online dating cannot be so good after a relationship?
There are several reasons why online dating after a breakup can fail. Indeed, the emotional state can deteriorate quickly.
Let's assume that the breakup has occurred because Partner A has deliberately cheated. Partner B is sitting at home, eaten up by self-doubt and, in the worst case, feeling repulsive himself. At first, it seems sensible to convince yourself otherwise when online dating. After all, Likes shouldn't be a problem, and the odd compliment should also restore self-esteem.
And then silence reigns...
The dating profile stands and the hope for quick contacts is high. But instead of numerous Likes, Matches and answers there is absolute silence. No one is interested in the newly single, who is already stuck in a deep hole. The result: the agonizing questions get worse and more insistent, because apparently no one is interested. The hoped-for confirmation fails to materialize and instead of being happy about new contacts, you end up hating yourself in the worst case.
Another reason why online dating after a breakup could be a mistake: The role of easy prey. Those who are emotionally battered long for security. Here, women in particular have to be careful not to fall for the wrong men. There are many members on dating sites who are excellent actors and know exactly how to exploit the vulnerability of single women. It is a well-known fact that not everything that glitters is gold in the end. And who wants to feel used on top of that within a breakup phase with a lack of self-confidence?
In summary
Online dating after a breakup: yes, or no? This is a question that we cannot answer simply and conclusively. In the end, it depends on the intentions behind the registration. But since feelings do not disappear so easily from one day to the next, it is usually more a matter of distracting oneself and seeking reassurance. There is absolutely nothing against this, but in this case, it is important to play with open cards.
On the other hand, women in particular should enjoy online dating with caution after a breakup. Men who butter her up and write exactly what she wants to hear don't always have serious intentions and see her as an easy target.
Psychologists even claim that it can take between one and four years before singles are ready for real dating again. However, this statement cannot be generalized either.
If you're worried that your ex or exes will find out about your signing up, you should never forget: You are now single and can do whatever you want. However, if you hope for a rebound of the relationship, it is recommended to wait with the signup first.