Ghosting & Co.: 10 nasty dating trends you need to know about
Since the turn of the millennium, online dating has really taken over from traditional dating and become the new trend in dating. But even within this trend, different methods have evolved - and not all of them are nice or have a positive impact.
In fact, there are several dating trends that are more likely to hurt one's counterpart. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and benching are just a part of these nasty behavioral methods singles may encounter while online dating. But what do terms like "haunting" and "submarining" even mean?
Well, to find out, we put our heads together and took a closer look at ten of these nasty dating trends. We'll tell you what they mean and how they are expressed in this article.
Ten of the nastiest dating behaviors are:
Ready to learn more about these dating trends? Okay, here we go!
Ghosting - as if no one had ever been there
Ghosting is the abrupt loss of contact. Without any signs, a person disappears completely from the scene as if they had never existed. Imagine you meet someone while online dating. You text each other, get along perfectly, and everything points to the fact that you have found the needle in the haystack. Maybe you've even been on a date and even that went like a charm. And suddenly there is absolute radio silence! You write to this person, but there is no response at all. There was no indication in advance that your counterpart would stop contacting you suddenly.
Maybe you have even been ghosted before without realizing it. Because ghosting is also common outside of dating and even occurs when looking for a job. Companies, for example, tend to ghost job applicants. How? By not responding at all to incoming applications.
One possible reason: those who ghost their counterparts think it's unnecessary to speak up. Why have an awkward conversation when you can confront someone with a fait accompli? Probably, people who ghosted others generally tend to take the most convenient route and avoid arguments.
What's convenient for one person can cause sleepless nights of headaches for another. You're left with numerous unanswered questions like, "What did I do wrong?" While you ask yourself 1,000 questions, you don't get a single answer and have simply been benched.
Benching - a permanent place on the bench.
Okay, ghosting is a really nasty dating trend. But at least you know that you're no longer interested. The person is done with you and has at least shown it to you by instantly ignoring you. With benching, though, you're on the back seat and never get back in the game.
Nice messages, flirting and maybe a first meeting. At first, everything seems normal. Your counterpart makes it seem like there's interest - but in truth, has no intention of ever seeing you again. You're sitting at home, getting high hopes, and have no idea that you've got a permanent spot on the bench. You may have even turned down other potential dating partners and end up the bottom line.
What is this dating trend all about? Benching occurs among people who are simply bad at saying no. They don't want to directly talon to their counterpart and have a problem communicating their disinterest. Instead, they write messages that sound like they have a serious interest. When asked again to meet, they resort to a large repertoire of excuses.
Breadcrumbing - a crumb here and a crumb there
While Hansel and Gretel tried to find their way home through breadcrumbs, breadcrumbing leads straight into a trap. This nasty dating trend is hard to figure out and more complex than the previous two trends.
Small breadcrumbs are being distributed in the truest sense of the word - and in different ways. Likes on social media, small and charming messages like "I was just kind of thinking about you," and they disappear from the scene again. Breadcrumbing is comparable to temporary ghosting in that there are phases when you don't get a response. And then there are days when you get a few hopeful messages out of nowhere.
What's behind it?
There can be several reasons why people engage in breadcrumbing. Possibly, they are singles who just need a little boost to their ego from time to time. Presumably, these individuals live out this dating trend in parallel with several unsuspecting "victims." Whatever moves these singles, empathy is probably a foreign word to them. Otherwise, they would know that they raise hopes with their behavior and then raze them to the ground again.
Orbiting - present, but unattainable
It goes even more blatant, because Orbiting take place in two dimensions. Compared to this dating trend, ghosting is still a cavalier maneuver.
You meet someone on a dating site and everything seems to be going normally. You exchange your profiles on social media shortly after that it happens. Online dating goes radio silent - no more messages are answered and you're ghosted. On social media, however, the person continues to interact. She likes your posts, even comments on posts and interacts with your Stories. Orbiting takes place at two levels, which is why it's so particularly nerve-wracking and upsetting.
But since you yourself have hope that it might come to more contact, you don't block this person either. You don't give up hope and for this reason you are misled. On the surface, this person seems to be interested in your life, but behind the scenes of social media, there is no contact at all.
One possible motivation: the person simply wants to keep all options open and is not interested in a relationship. You're probably not the only one getting likes and comments from this person at that moment, but otherwise waiting in vain for contact.
Haunting - the spooky dating trend
Haunting, ghosting - both sound pretty creepy. But the difference with ghosting is that the person completely disappears from your life, and with haunting, they don't. Most dating trends have something to do with our lives in social media in some way. Without Instagram, Facebook and the like, it would hardly be possible to take on the "perpetrator-victim" roles in dating.
But what does haunting mean? This dating trend is so creepy because your counterpart breaks off contact and still follows you online. You no longer get replies, but you do get views on almost all stories and posts. Maybe they even like a post now and then, and you're constantly reminded that you're under surveillance.
Haunting is so nasty because you wait in vain for answers or contact from your counterpart. However, you are fully aware that the person is looking at almost every one of your posts or just about all of your stories.
Cushioning - multi-track dating
Do you feel like you're not the only person in your dating partner's life? It could very well be that you are falling victim to the dating trend "Cushioning".
People who engage in cushioning are multi-pronged and date multiple singles in parallel. The bottom line is that they enjoy their single life at the expense of people who really want to commit. Irregular and mostly spontaneous meetings and not a word about long-term planning? That could already be signs that you are only an option and not a choice. Even regular standoffs could indicate that you were just an option that night and something better has come along.
If you fall victim to Cushioning, you must remember one thing: The person is just living out their single life and is not a state criminal. What hurts about this dating trend, however, is the fact that this person is not being upfront about it!
Submarining - going off and coming back on again.
Imagine being ghosted out of nowhere after an intense getting-to-know-you phase or even a relationship. And after a while, the person suddenly reappears. Hence the name submarining, because the person behaves like a submarine that simply dives off and resurfaces.
But before you start dancing around your apartment jumping for joy and full of hope, you should be aware of one thing: This person is probably contacting you because he had an epiphany and misses you terribly. You probably just caught his eye again while scrolling through old chats or social media. This also explains why the messages don't contain apologies or anything like that. As if nothing ever happened, they simply write, "Hey, how are you?"
What could be the reason for that?
Definitely not because such a person has gone deep inside and realized that you are the right person. Rather, it could be a result of boredom or an attempt to get validation. If you respond to this message, you provide your counterpart with this very confirmation that he or she has you in some way. So don't expect the contact to last long and rather prepare yourself for the next ghosting action.
Gatsbying - impressing instead of talking turkey
When it comes to the dating trend of gatsbying, most people probably think of "The Great Gatsby". A novel that served as the screenplay for the movie of the same name starring Leonardo DiCaprio. It is about a millionaire who wants to win over his childhood sweetheart. But instead of telling her the truth, he prefers to pop the champagne corks.
Admittedly: Gatsbying is a harmless dating trend and probably the most widespread. Who hasn't dressed up fancy to impress a crush? Or found out extra about a person's interests only to shine with knowledge.
Why do people tend to gatsbying?
One possible and understandable reason is personal protection. If you confess your feelings to a person, you always run the risk of being turned down. Or even worse - the person could take advantage of the emotions. So what do we do? Right, we show the person that we like them without even saying it with a syllable.
Minor spoiler: For Gatsby, the story didn't end well.
Draking - gooier than Drake himself.
I wonder if the rapper "Drake" is proud of the fact that a gooey dating trend was named after him. After all, this is not about hurting others with his behavior. Draking is the trend where people sky-high announce that they are single. Poetically depressive status messages à la "If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go" are among the classics in draking.
A dating trend that newly single people often use to cry out for attention. Objectively speaking, however, this schmaltzy coping method is rather inappropriate.
Stashing - keeping it a secret
The so-called stashing literally means "bunkering" and so the relationship is also led certain way. You've met someone, you spend a lot of time and even intimate moments together. But for your partner's environment you are non-existent, because you are simply kept silent.
While you may have already euphorically told all your friends about the new flame, you remain a little secret that nobody finds out about. Why is stashing dangerous? Because it not only has a negative impact on your partnership, but your psyche suffers as well. "Why don't I get to know the family and why don't I ever get taken to parties?" Such questions quickly haunt one's mind and scratch one's self-esteem.
One reason for stashing: the person wants to keep options open. As long as no one knows about the relationship, it's easy to pretend to be single and make new contacts. And if the relationship comes to an end, there is only one person to answer to. Although this could also come around with ghosting.
In summary
After looking into these ten nasty dating trends, we could only shake our heads. While Gatsbying, for example, is still a harmless trend, Haunting already has something of a little sociopath or stalker about it.
As soon as you notice that you are in one of the described victim roles, you should immediately break off contact. This also applies to social media, where fortunately we can simply block unwanted contacts. No one deserves to be treated in a disrespectful way. But unfortunately, these dating trends show that online dating is a double-edged sword and has its pitfalls as well.