Writing on dating apps: The most important basics simply explained
Dating apps are a science in themselves - literally. In fact, there are several studies that address the topic of online dating. One question that comes up again and again: How should we write on dating apps and what things should we pay attention to?
Our editorial team has looked at various theories, results and statistics in this regard. Enough material to get to the bottom of the all-important question ourselves. In this article, we will look at various points that will hopefully lead us to a solution in the end.
To this end, we have divided the whole thing into individual sub-questions:
According to current statistics, there are thousands of active online dating users in New Zealand every year. You would think that making new acquaintances would be child's play. However, getting to know someone often fails as soon as contact is made. But why is that and how can you do it better?
Let's get to the first and one of the most frequently asked questions....
Why do many women not write back?
With this question we open a Pandora's box, because there can be a thousand reasons why you don't get an answer (anymore). Men often say that they just don't get a reply when they're online dating. They make the first move and then, radio silence. Besides the low response rate, what else do these men have in common? They probably personify boredom as soon as they make contact.
If you simply write "Hey", don't expect to take the heart of the lady of your dreams right away. Actually, women in online dating receive dozens of meaningless and boring messages every day. How can you do it differently? Take a closer look at the profile and try to find information there that you can use to make contact. You both have a passion for city trips or like to pass the time playing sports? Then you have the ideal starting point for a conversation and can address your counterpart directly on a personal level.
Want a negative example of how to make contact?
"Hey, you have an interesting profile and I would like to get to know you".
Here you can directly see that there is no effort behind the contact. When writing on dating apps, the first message is also the first impression. If you don't attract attention here, you can basically save yourself the time.
An example of how to do it better:
"Hey XY, I just discovered your profile and saw that you also like to travel. What's the most exciting place you've explored so far? And do you only play squash in your spare time or are you active in a club? I would be glad to hear from you. XX"
In this example you can immediately see that the writer is making an effort. The person is addressed personally and information of the profile has been included. This message immediately sounds much more individual and personal, which increases the likelihood of a response.
One reason why the existing communication breaks off could be the lack of initiative. Why do singles sign up on dating sites? Precisely - they want to get to know someone, and not just virtually. You write with a woman, make her smile and she actively asks you questions? Then you should take the initiative and ask for a date. Otherwise, you run the risk that the woman will move on and you will have missed your chance.
Let's move on to the next hurdle....
What should I write if the profile doesn't say anything?
In such cases, you should first ask yourself whether you want to contact these women or men at all. Theoretically, a profile can only arouse your interest if it contains interesting information. Anyone who spends even ten minutes on the subject of "online dating" knows that a completed profile is an important component. Maybe these women are not serious and just want to pass the time a little.
Still want to give it a try?
If you still want to try your luck, it is much more difficult to make contact. While filled profiles give you the opportunity to use information, it's kind of a shot in the dark. Do you want to write that the lack of profile information has aroused your interest? Even a few pictures are not an adequate hook to establish a reasonable contact.
Your only option is to write that you find it a pity to find so little information. If the pictures show the person playing a sport, you still have the option to contact them.
But ideally, you should look for profiles that have not been filled out half-heartedly. Here you can be sure that these members also harbor serious intentions, as they offer you much more information for writing on dating apps.
And what does a reasonable contact look like?
What's the best thing to write after a "hi"?
As we've already figured out above, a simple "Hi" is a message that will catapult you out on your own. Starting a message this way is absolutely fine, of course, but just leaving it that way certainly doesn't guarantee you a high response rate.
But what should you write?
Before we get to that question, a little tip: According to a survey of women and men, both genders place a lot of value on correct spelling. 80% of the women and 70% of the men surveyed said that this point was very important to them, in addition to a personal and creative message.
So, you shouldn't just type something down and then press send directly. Take your time and read through your message again.
And what comes after the "Hi"?
Your first message is like a first impression - and this is where you want to make a convincing impression. Before you start writing your first message, take a closer look at the other person's profile. Look for information that you can use. In this way, you show that you have dealt with the profile in advance and have not sent the same message to ten other profiles.
Personal addressing is also very important. Use either the profile name or even the real name, if this is available on the profile. This allows you to establish a more personal level when making contact than with a "Hey, how are you" message.
How does an appealing contact look like?
"Hi XY, as I can see in your profile, you're also a big anime fan. Which one is one of your absolute favorites? For my part, I found the new XX really nice/good/awesome. It's definitely nice to meet someone here with the same hobby. I would be very happy to get an answer. XY"
In this contact the person is addressed directly with his name or pseudonym, which has a very positive effect. Furthermore, there are no meaningless phrases and empty words used but a common ground is addressed. And on top of that, there is a question that has been combined with a piece of information of its own. Here, the probability of a response is many times higher than with a simple "Hey".
And how do things go from there?
How often does he/she write if he/she is really interested in me?
But when writing on dating apps, how do you know that your counterpart is really interested? The frequency of messages can tell you if there is actually interest in getting to know each other or if you are just passing the time. Beyond that, though, it depends on the content of the messages you receive.
Here's a scenario:
You've done everything right so far when writing on dating apps and receive a reply to the contact. You're smart, humorous, and responsive to the other person's messages during your conversation. However, you only receive a reply every four days, and it's very taciturn.
How likely is it that your counterpart is really interested in getting to know you? If you have serious intentions, you don't let your counterpart wait for days for an answer. Especially not if you're on the dating app almost every day.
Someone who is actually interested in you will try to get in touch as often as possible and actively approach you. That doesn't mean you'll get a message every morning and every evening. But at the latest every two days you should be able to spend a few minutes if you are seriously looking for a partner.
So, it doesn't make sense to focus your energy on singles who occasionally fob you off with a few message tidbits.
What kind of messages do men like?
When writing on dating apps, do only women want to hear compliments? That's a misconception, because when it comes to online dating, the gentlemen of creation also want to feel that the woman is really interested - and above all, why the woman is interested.
It's no secret that there are more men than women in online dating. This means male members face tougher competition and have to stand out from the crowd. Of course, they would like to know why a woman decided to reply to them of all people. Was it perhaps because of the likeable pictures, the creative profile text or, in the end, was making contact the key to success?
Anyone who signs up for online dating is, in a way, also always looking for confirmation. Be it in the form of receiving numerous messages or really looking for a relationship. After all, writing on dating apps also provides confirmation that someone is interested in you.
At the same time, men don't want to read that they are the best or that their photos look incredibly attractive. Messages that include compliments about character roll off men's coattails, too.
And what kind of messages do women like?
This question robs half the men's world of sleep and causes a lot of headaches for some. What do women want to read when writing on dating apps and how do you win their hearts?
At the same time, it's basically quite simple and that's largely thanks to men. Women receive a flood of messages when dating online, with one resembling the other. Meaningless, boring and in the worst case still crude and sexual.
Here's a little thought experiment:
You see a woman on the street who catches your attention. In that case, do you approach her and tell her that you would like to do wild things with her? Probably not - and it's the same on dating sites. Women definitely don't like messages that are aimed at just the one thing (casual dating excluded).
Even more, messages that sound like copy and paste are also a criterion for exclusion. As soon as a woman feels like she's just one of many, the message inevitably ends up in the trash. Who wants to receive a message that half a dozen other members are reading at the same time?
Women like personal messages, which in the best case still refer to their profile. Contacts that differ from the masses are immediately much more appealing and interesting. A nice compliment to the charisma is not reprehensible, but should not be everything. Mention their name, pick up a profile information and take your time. The more personal and individual the message sounds, the more likely you are to get a response. And remember that the majority of women also value spelling and grammar.
In summary
After taking an in-depth look at how writing on dating apps works, we've come to one conclusion: Rushing into it is absolutely not recommended.
Rather, you should look at the profiles thoroughly beforehand and look for commonalities and interesting information there. This way, you can already establish a personal level when making contact and show that you have dealt with the profile. Women in particular place a lot of value on receiving creative and personal messages.
It is best to always start by calling your counterpart by name or pseudonym. Try to break the ice with the first message and encourage your counterpart to reply. Maybe with a question?
If it comes to an exchange, you should pay attention to how your counterpart behaves. Do you only get a short message every few days that doesn't show any interest or contain any relevant information? Then you should probably decide to move on and rather use the time to write to really interested members. This also applies to profiles that do not contain any information - you should not even try your luck here.
If you want to read more about this topic, we strongly recommend the following article:
Online flirting: Composing messages with a high response rate: